When grief lands
We hope you are staying warm through the cold winter nights.
Many of you will have heard of the recent death in Margaret River of Lauren "Loz" Scanlon, our beloved friend, mentor, colleague and NVC trainer.
Deep grief and profound sorrow are sweeping through her family and all the communities she belonged to. Apart from a passionate advocate of NVC, Loz was a mother and a driver of permaculture and environmental care in her local community, with a respectful connection to the area’s Wadandi Noongar Aboriginal culture. It's hard to believe she's gone.
When grief lands in our lives the meaning of all things comes into sharp focus. What really matters rises to the surface. Francis Weller in his moving book The Wild Edge of Sorrow writes:
“We truly move through grief into healing by finding the
Courage to be vulnerable
Compassion to be kind, or begin to be kind, to ourselves
Comfort of one another’s presence.”
Talk That Matters
What really matters to you today?
In a spirit of loving kindness, we encourage you to have “conversations on the couch”. Talk about things that matter, no matter how difficult it may seem. And keep on talking, practise speaking with clarity and honesty, and listen with kindness to one another. Check in with your family and friends and really listen. Listen to your own body too and practise your self care.
Sometimes it's not possible to have the conversation we long for because the other person is no longer alive, is distant or unlikely to meet us in the way we would love to be met. This can bring its own layer of grief. When we lose someone we love or find ourselves unable to stay in connection with someone important, we can feel extremely vulnerable, heartbroken and shattered. Unmoored, like the world no longer makes sense without them in our life. There's no map or path back to how things were. We might have endless questions and what ifs. We might have regrets about things we did or didn't do, things we said or didn't say.
In the end, the only way out is through.
Everyone deals with grief differently. This is what Rachel has been doing in the past few weeks:
Having real conversations with my NVC peer group and supporting each other in our grief with all that it brings up
Walking in nature to move my body, and picking up styrofoam and other rubbish while I'm there because Loz would approve
Attended Loz's Celebration of Life and witnessed the community coming together to hold each other with ceremony, art and heartfelt sharing
Having honest conversations with my teenage son about mental health, peer pressure, etc
Telling my family what I appreciate about them
Taking great care to process my big feelings (sometimes for days) before I respond in situations where I notice I'm feeling reactive
Reassessing where I put my energy and how I can contribute to peace and connection
Cleaning and fixing things because it meets my need for control over at least a small thing when I can’t control the big things
We are not supposed to do this alone.
Solitude and space can support you to journal, meditate, use your feelings and needs cards, or use movement to process your emotions. Sometimes it feels safer or easier to move at your own pace, take your time, mull over your options, rage or surrender to tears in your own space. And there is much research behind our human needs for trust, companionship, intimacy and community. To matter is one of the deepest human needs that is often underneath long-standing conflict situations we've seen in our workshops. To love and be loved. We are designed to find safety with others. If we have been unsafe around other humans in the past, trauma can leave us in a lose-lose situation where we don't feel safe alone and also don't feel safe with others.
Here are two powerful things that help: resonance and empathy. Resonance means feeling in tune with someone else, with warmth, like you’re literally vibrating at the same frequency. Empathy is feeling another person's emotions alongside them, imagining what it's like to be them. NVC can help us to be in empathy without losing ourselves. Sarah Peyton teaches a lot about different kinds of resonant language (even swearing) and she has a lot of free resources available as well as low cost online events and longer courses.
Perhaps a next step for you might be simply naming grief. Or loneliness.
It might be picking out a need like peace or wellbeing that speaks to you right now and displaying a needs card, or writing it on a piece of paper, somewhere you'll see it daily.
It might be watching a video or listening to a podcast about resonant language.
It might be making a phone call or a coffee catch up with someone who matters to you.
It might be writing a letter to someone you haven't spoken to for a while, or just sending a meme.
It might be committing to a self care practice to support your sleep, gut health or mental health (which are all connected). This Way Up has some fantastic free online courses for insomnia, stress, mindfulness, teen wellbeing and other (paid) for mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. Sleep is so foundational to everything else we want to do in our lives.
We have some new events and resources coming your way. For now, we invite you to take a deep breath, listen to your body and move forward with courage, self compassion and comfort with each other. You are not alone.